The trial of Exx Man

:::IR51 FRI FEB 07, 1992 11.08.35
EXX MAN 43: THE Sanitarium
FROM: IR51 At Music

Exx Man began her journey to the Kissiah Sanitarium. People must have been happy today because everyone seemed to be whistling the same thing as she walked by. She thought they all heard the same song on the radio

The Sanitarium was in a bit od disarray. There were body parts, squirrel parts and parts of brussel sprouts all over the place. The janitors had quite a time cleaning it up. Anyway, the supervillains known as skywalker and Sunoco Ninja had long since vanished. Exx Man arrived at just the right time -- for room check.

Exx Man wandered inside and began to follow a trail of slobber left by Aamco Dog. Up the stairs she went. She made his way up to the top floor where the battle had begun. This floor seemed rather drafty. It also seemed rather familiar to Exx Man. It was like she had been there before. It was like she lived there before. Yes! It was beginning to come back to her. The asylum. Dragon Poker (not him again!). She was a he...until a typo. She was a superhero...until part two. She was a hairdresser...not for long. She had led an interesting four months and had gone through several changes.

While the memories of past parts came back to her, the employees at Kissiah were doing their rounds. At last it was time to check that weird floor twelve. Much had happened on that floor during the past months. The Ghostbusters had even paid a visit. Now the employees were wandering down a hall when they saw her. She was dressed in the typical superhero attire (hospital gown). It was Miss Exxon. She had been missing for the last four months. It was she that escaped from that room with only three walls still standing.

"Quick! Grab her!"

Exx Man, Exx Ma, Lord Helmet, and Miss Exxon all ran (did I neglect to mention that the person was suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder ?). The guard now pursued. They knew that the only thing at the end of that hall was a dead end. Exx Man discovered this as soon as she hit it Down she went in a heap to the floor. Quietly she was transported to a nice quiet cell with comfy padded walls. Her attire was also changes to a fashionable white jacket that covered her hands and tied them around her back. It was also quite comfortable!


:::DJ45 SAT FEB 08, 1992 15.28.13
EXX MAN #44: KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
FROM: DJ45 At Music

As 6 o'clock came and passed by unheralded by the arrival of his unique house guest, Ham began to worry. This person seemed to be genuinely concerned for the welfare of society, but slightly deluded. However, despite the delusions his guest harbored, Ham was somehow certain that she would always live up to a commitment, and the last commitment she had made to Ham was to be back for dinner. Perhaps she normally dined at a later hour.

7 o'clock came and went. 8 o'clock came and went.

As Ham began to pace the room his eyes fell on the newspaper he and his guest had discarded that morning. Perhaps reading it would calm him down. As he leafed through it mentally checked off the sections: "I read the market section before she left, the sports after. I guess the just leaves the news."

Ham settled down to read the front page story. Would good news ever make it to the front page? Today's headline story was about a woman jumping off the Herman Kissiah Sanatarium.

Wait a minute! Wasn't that what his guest had been saying that morning? Something about the suicide victim actually being pushed? And then she had unceremoniously put that rather exposing shirt on -- Hey! that shirt was a hospital gown!

Suddenly Ham knew where his guest was. She had gone to the sanatarium, and someone must have mistaken her as an inmate!

Ham knew what he had to do. He immediately went to his closet, grabbed his coat and car keys, and set off for the sanatarium.

Once there Ham tried to get some information from the staff.

"I am looking for a woman, about this tall (gesturing), dark hair, wearing a dirty hospital gown -- did she come here today?"

"No, I don't believe so, what is her name, we can look in our files?"

"I don't know her name, she stayed at my penthouse last night and left rather unexpectedly this morning."

"I don't believe we can help you Mr..."

"Letucci. Could I just look visit all the patients?"

"I don't think so, we may have to ask you to leave."

"My late father owned Letucci Enterprises, this is very important to me."

"Oh, sorry sir, we weren't aware of who you are. Please come with me."

After having seen the patients on the first twelve floors Ham had still not seen anyone resembling his guest.

"Sir, we have seen all but the most unstable patients, are you certain that you want to go to the thirteenth floor? The patients could be harmful."

"Yes, I wish to see all the patients."

"Ok." (audible sigh)

As the elevator slowly ascended to the thirteenth floor Ham Letucci had a vague premonition that maybe this thirteenth floor would be, as superstition dictates, an unlucky one for him.

Walking down the hall Ham spotted Exx Man, well except he didn't know her name. Pausing in her doorway to peer through the tiny window, he was shocked to see her in a straight jacket. She was a bit erratic, but was that much restraint necessary?

"I wish to see this patient."

"No, we can not allow you in to see her, Miss Exxon is very violent."

"Have you forgotten who I am?"

"um.. err... no Mr. Letucci..." Stammered the attendant. He hurriedly unlocked Exx Mann's door and fled to the elevator...


:::MD54 SUN FEB 16, 1992 23.48.02
EXX MAN 45 -- > "I AM SPED, HORATIO"
FROM: MD54 At Music

"Is the asparagus steamed tonight?"

Ham looked around. This was rather strange. He HAD no asparagus. He looked closely once more at the bundled figure propped against the wall. "Say what?"

"Oh, it's you, Bob." The figure peered up at him expectantly. The black features, missing front teeth, and three eyes all told Ham that he was probably in the wrong room. Muttering apologies under his breath, Ham backed out, slammed the door, wiped the sweat from his brow, and entered the next room.

The familiar form of EXX Man was present this time.

"Well, crap! There you are!! Where the heck have YOU been?"

EXX Man looked up and smiled. "Is the asparagus steamed tonight?"

Ham shook his head in dismay. He really should have just gone Christmas carolling at the home for the elderly, even though Christmas was two months past at this point. Oh well.

Ham didn't know what to say at this point, so luckily EXX Man decided to take over the conversation. "You know, Ham," she farted," I've come to a great conclusion over the past thirty parts of this story, a large decision that could change my whole life, my whole existence, my whole satisfaction with my glorious noble undertaking!!"

Ham held his nose after that lengthy explosion and turned blue. "Boy, that was a stinker!"

Oblivious to the rancidity of her declaration, Exx Man continued. "Yes, my dearest and most noble companion Sancho, I mean, Ham (sorry), I have decided to accept the lot that cruel fate, that Life in general has dealt to me, and thus be portrayed in name as I am in body. Yes. It is decided. I have made up my mind. The dice have been cast. The sparrows have flown. The woodchucks have chucked wood. The bunnies are bitten. The cookies have been tossed. And I'm late on my tax forms. Yes, dearest Ham, I have decided that I am in love with...no, no no, I mean, I have decided to change my name to better fit my feminine physical-ness. I have discarded my worthless remnants of stale masculinity and taken the name that will be a cry to all my sisters in liberation world-wide."

Exx Man paused dramatically while Ham reeled under the verbal onslaught.



[....3.....2.....1....]
[Systems online....beginning warmup sequence]
[Scan 00010X commencing, Systems check:
[Weapons........Up...]
[Coordination.....Up.....]
[Targeting infoblocks.....Up....]
[Broccoli detector......Up.....]
[Pooper Scooper......Up......]
[Target for termination.....loading......loading.....loading..... ......loading.....still loading......identity: Classified: see Project Ophelia.....Lock on target commencing......]
[Year jump necessary: 1992. Years to go back: 2027-1992=3....error! error! Recalibrate simple math calculator (solar) Retry: 2027-1992=3... Error! Error! Problem: No light...Solution: Expose calculator battery to sunlight....clunk...clunk....clunk.....Retry: 2027-1992=35!!! Yes! Confirmation! Target located, time lock on! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!!!]

.....KZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



(anyway, back at the fort)

EXX Man's eyes glowed with her precious new knowledge and acceptance. "Yes, Ham, I have decided to change my name and number -- nomenclature. No longer will I be known as the male pig EXX Man! No! From now on, to place my chips with the side I belong on, I will be known as........

E X X B A B E !!!!!!!"

Ham's eyes widened, then narrowed. "What the HECK are you babbling about?!! I thought you were already a girl!!!!"

"Well, it's a long story, but I'll bore you with the prissy details if you want..." And EXX Babe began her sordid tale of treachery, deceit, hair spray, and self-disparagement. Plus squirrels.



......KZZZAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!



"Hey!!! What's that?" yelled Ham as the energy globe crackled, made his hair stand up, and then exploded away.

[Proximity alert! Proximity Alert! Target located!!! Scan Lock!!]
[Lock On! Weapons up, Lasers loaded....00129312378187238173]
[SubRoutine Blab Commencing -- verbal barrage to distract Target!]

"You must dance, my malicious delicious EXX Man! Dance! Dance!" The Terminator, looking remarkably like a grinning Arnold Schwartzenheimer or such, raised his gun loaded with heat-seeking exploding slugs and blew the crap out of the opposite wall, not even coming close to either EXX Babe or Ham.

"Who's EXX Man?" asked EXX Babe, having grown quite fond of her new name

[Lock Error! Target Missed! Commence Range Adjustment: Checking.... checking....checking....Solution: Pivot 180 degrees....Commencing]

"Hey! You know you're not allowed to fire guns in here!" yelled EXX-Babe founder of justice and the American Way. "And it's not even nice!"

"Shut up!" admonished Ham, lost in indecision about what to do. "TO run or not to run! That is the question....whether tis nobler in the sneaker or the high-top...."

As Ham continued on with his all-consuming soliloquy, the Happy Terminator clunked its way over towards the hapless Exx Babe, almost tripping on an extension cord and its own feet in the process.

[Error: Tracking device. Solution: Watch where you're going.] [Eyes...Open!]

"I said dance, my little pixie, Dance!!" The guns came up.

"Hey, you sound faintly familiar!" exclaimed the puzzled EXX Babe.

[Target discovered Terminator identity! Solution: Fire! FIRE! FIRE!]
[Danger! Danger! Internal combustion!! No, error! ERROR! Error with error detector!!! SHOOT Target!!!!!]

And before anything else normal could occur, the Happy Terminator fired. BLAM! BLAM! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BOOM! BOOM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BOOM! BOOM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BOOM! BOOM! [click....click]

As true to his previous aim, The Happy Terminator blew poor Ham -- still mumbling to himself -- into tiny pieces and scattered him all over the soft padded walls, similar to a sadistic connect-the-dots.

He was dead. (Really. Trust me on this one.)

"Ouch!" yelled the Terminator, jumping up and down holding his foot. [Error! Error! Terminators NEVER show distress! Solution: Slap face!] The Happy Terminator took a strange wild swing at his face but missed, putting a hole in the nearby wall.

"You're not my normal intern, are you?" asked EXX Babe, rather confused.

A faint cry echoed through the hole in the wall. "Is the asparagus steamed today?"



:::MD54 MON FEB 17, 1992 01.31.42
"CONGRATULATIONS! IT'S A...BOY!"
FROM: MD54 At Music

EXX Babe cowered against the wall. "Crud! This guy's freaked out!"

The Happy Terminator spun around a few times and ending up facing the general direction of the helpless heroine. Her straight-jacket certainly didn't help matters much, even with escape readily available through the newly created hole in the wall.

[Target Still Alive....?????!?!?!?! Super-Lock Calibration.... SubROutine912938173aa1281 beginning -- enter Super Destruct Mode. Begin Routine Throttle]

"Hey! Hey, wait! What'cha doing'?" EXX Babe quivered as the strong hands clamped down on her sides. "And who are you?"

"Ah, yes, hasta la pizza, you will now dance, my little armadillo! Yes!" The Terminator grinned as wildly as Jack Nicholson and began to try to rip EXX Babe into little pieces.

"AIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!!" screamed Exx Babe, taking the typical role of the screaming female in a b-rated horror flick.

The steel hands gripped and pulled outward and the straightjacket was miraculously but still totally expectedly ripped off the defenseless Exx Babe.

[Error! Error! Error! Target unleashed! Danger magnitude doubled!]
[Solution: .....thinking......thinking.....still thinking.....still thinking.....Runtime error 110 GOSUB ?? -- FIRE!]

Once again, the mighty guns of the Happy Terminator took their toll -- this time on the floor beneath his feet. As Exx Babe watched in amusement, the Terminator plummeted from view.

Wham! Wham! Wham! BAM! thud! Splat! CLUNK!

Looking through the hole, Exx Babe could only see a staggered series of Terminator-shaped holes leading down towards the ground floor. This was apparently the time to make a well-executed exit. So bidding a final adieu to poor Ham (or rather, the jigsaw puzzle that was Ham) and admiring his....guts....(for lack of a better word), Exx Babe took off.

Of course, the door to the room was locked, so Exx Babe had to go through the hole in the nearby wall.

"Is the asparagus steamed yet?"

"No, I'm afraid not." Exx Babe could have cared less anyway.

"Well, I won't eat it raw. The bloody fools in this place, refusing to give King John his rightful food! They have no respect for the English around here, filthy kanigget American slimeballs!"

A few floors below, the mayhem seemed to be growing louder. A loud series of whistles and beeps could also be heard. It appeared that the Happy Terminator was not done for yet. But that is what a Terminator is. What it does. A Terminator doesn't have to eat, sleep, breath. It sweats. And it will NOT STOP UNTIL EXX-BABE IS DEAD! GET IT???

"Listen," mentioned Exx Babe, cutting off King John or King Ralph or whoever the guy thought he was, "a friend of mine might stop by to ask where I am, a big ugly guy with an accent. If he does, just tell him that your name is EXX Man. OK? I heard he has some asparagus with him too."

Normally, EXX Babe would have never sunk this low (in his EXX Man persona, that is). But accepting her role as a woman suddenly freed her from the oppressive conscience that so-called heroic men had forced on her and others like her. Now she could scrap with the best of them. She had come a long way, baby.

"Really? That sounds good! I've been waiting SO long for my veggies! And to think, a nice guy would come up here and...."

EXX Babe decided to take off before the Happy Terminator resumed his cameo, so she went back and realized that every stupid door was locked in ALL the cells. Great. She had no choice but to wait until Chuckles the Happy Terminator showed up again.

This could really be a drag.

It didn't take too long for the Happy Terminator to break through the door. Smartly enough, EXX Babe simply hid against the wall the door was located on. Smartly enough, Exx Babe was thus hidden from view as the Terminator slammed the door right over top of her, knocking her explosively through the wall and thus -- to freedom.

[Target....Target....Target....Target locators coming on line]

"Hey! Hey you over there in that cell!!! I'm EXX MAN! EXX MAN! Can you hear me? where's my asparagus???" The cry from next door was muffled but still generally understandable -- except to the Terminator. All it heard was "Hay! Hay yoohooos for horses too! EXX MAN! EXX MAN! Kill me! With a spear, guys!" But that was generally enough.

[Target LOCATED! YEAH, BABY! error! Error, Error! Non-Terminator lingo infecting this unit, purge all language prints!!!]
[Begin Super SUPER Destruct Mode! 3....2.....1.....]
[Super SUPER Destruct Mode now commencing]

The Terminator began to plod its way towards the mysterious voice, but -- too eager for the kill -- neglected to notice the hole it had previously created by accident.

Wham! Wham! Wham! BAM! Thud! SPLAT! clunk....

"ow......."

[Error! Error! Terminator's do not have headaches! Error! Error! Grammar error -- apostrophe usage! Solution to Problem #1: Remove head Solution to Problem #2: Don't use grammar.]

.....after a time...... ....after many more whams! Whams! whams! Thuds! Splats! and Chunks!

Exx Babe ran frantically down the hallway. The Terminator, now carrying its head under one arm, lumbered after her. "Dance! No problemo! Daaaaaaaannnnce!!!!!!! Where is my lovely Mara, you barbarella?"

"Wait!" cried Exx Babe, halfway down the stairs. "What'd you say?"

The Terminator paused at the top of the steps. "DAAAAAAAANNNNNCE! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNCE!!!"

"Come on! Who Ah you???" asked Exx Babe, shocked by her sudden accent extremely similar to that of the Terminator.

"Because Termination is imminent, Host Unit will Answer Query. Unit is designated model T-101, Serial Number 12DINGLE001a. Unit privileged with magnetic EEG scan of random 20th century psychotic squirrels. Prepare to die, scumbag. But first, Target will DANCE!!!"

The Terminator started down the steps, raising the large guns it toted. Exx Babe faded back into the wall. As the Terminator hit the second step, it tripped and tumbled downwards, narrowly missing our heroine. As it rounded the curve, Exx Babe could hear its prophetic words: "Ah'll be back! zzzzz...crackle"


Wham! wham! wham! thumpathumpathumpathumpathumpaTHUWHAMM!!! There was a slight pause. Then.... Wham! wham! wham! thumpathumpathumpathumpathumpaTHUWHAMM!!! There was yet another slight pause, then...... Wham! wham! wham! thumpathumpathumpathumpathumpaTHUWHAMM!!!

Exx Babe headed out before she could hear any more.

As Exx Babe ran through the main door, she caught her arm on part of the framework formerly destroyed by the whereabouts-unknown Sunoco Ninja. She grimaced but kept running across the street and behind a dumpster in a nearby alley. A few rogue squirrels scurried away at her approach, chittering crazily and hiding their caches of Clusters Box Top coupons.

"Whew! That was close!" said Exx Babe, pausing to check out the damage on her slashed arm.

Strangely enough, although the skin appeared torn away or shredded into fettucini in places, the pain was minimal and there was no blood. Eyes widening in confusion, Exx Babe ripped off a piece of her "skin" and held it up to the light for a closer examination.

"Wait! This is...is....is...LATEX!" The conclusion was horrible but unarguable. It couldn't be....no.....not after all the soul- searching, the conviction-digging, the name-changes, the assumed ideological roles, NO! NO! NO! Exx Babe broke into tears.

She frantically began to tear the offending material from her arm. What previously had seemed to be real breathing living skin came off looking like sheets of sunburn peelings, leaving yet another layer of TRUE skin beneath, glowing rosily in the twilight. The skin peeled from her arm, then down to her hand, then across to her shoulder, then around her neck, it peeled continuously, strip after strip after strip after strip!!!!!

Her face came off in one large paper-thin chunk, although the nose area was a little thicker. As she worked her way down her chest, her breasts came off -- 1,2,3...no that was just exaggeration at the horror of the experience (only two came off) -- then lower. The torso. The hips. And then. Then. Oh, yes, then! Then her conclusion was proven.

"Oh, boy...." moaned Exx "BABE". "Oh, boy....I'm a boy."

She, I mean, he, was too shocked to finish peeling the kneecaps and lower at the moment. Those would wait anyway. The psychological ramifications of the discovery were too many to be obvious. But one thing was certain: the name would once again have to change.

But to what?

Suddenly a large explosion rocked the ground. Peeking out from the alley, EXX Babe watched in horror as the entire mentally Insane facility exploded towards the clouds in little bits and pieces. The fireball could be seen for miles and miles. When the pieces somewhat settled, only the flames remained, licking up what little of the framework that remained of the Disturbed Facility.

Well, at least they'll never lock me up THERE again...., thought Exx Babe, smiling grimly at his good fortune. Fascists....

He decided he had better take off before he got blamed for THIS too. So he took off.





....after a few minutes, back in the burnt-out ruins of the Institute

[Powering down from Ultra Super SUPER REALLY Super Destruct mode]
[Target! Target query! Location? Infrared Scanners seemingly inoperative] [Solution: Get out of the fire, idiot-unit!]
[Response to Solution: Go Dance, CPU.....]


:::DL20 TUE FEB 18, 1992 06.40.55 Part 47: An Old Acquaintance
FROM: DL20 At Music

Few things draw as much controversy as the naked form. Certainly some of the greatest controversy within recent memory has surrounded pornography and obscenity. Basically, if you want to start quite a row going, either start a discussion on abortion or on pornography and freedom of expression. There will be a full-fledged war within minutes, guaranteed.

So it happened that Exx Babe, walking down the street with a complete disregard for modesty was causing quite a hubbub. At five foot ten inches, Exx Babe was not a particularly imposing figure. His lean arms were wrapped tightly around his chest to keep him warm in the cold afternoon sun. His short rusty-brown hair, parted neatly above his thin, angular face would normally make him appear to be a handsome figure. Right now, he was simply indecent.

All around Exx Babe, cars were swerving and crashing into one another. Men screamed and pulled their children off the streets. Women turned their heads and shuddered. A school bus driver saw Exx Babe in his nakedness and averted her eyes to the other side of the road. The school bus, loaded with shouting grade-schoolers, plowed across the other lane of traffic and into a delicatessen. A motorist, seeing the school bus' straddling both lanes, slammed on his brakes and went into a skid. The car fishtailed into a gum ball machine and, still moving, dislodged a fire hydrant. A geyser of water suddenly burst through the bottom of the car and begin to fill the car immediately. Only by opening the door was the driver able to save herself from drowning.

Gum balls, meanwhile, flew across the sidewalk, and pedestrians suddenly found their solid footing lost. One after another, they fell down on the footpath and slid along their way.

"For crying out loud," said Exx Babe, "if I'd known it would cause this much trouble, I would have used my mouthwash this morning after all. How was I supposed to know my breath smelled so bad?"

A finger tapped Exx Babe lightly on the shoulder. He spun around, and found himself looking right at a golden police badge. Attached to the badge was a dark blue police uniform, complete with black-polished boots, a white motorcycle helmet, and mirrorized sunglasses. And inside the uniform was a police officer. He looked closer at the badge to see what he could learn. "Markle City Police Department, Lieutenant Joanna McKillop."

"Excuse me," she said. "But you're naked. It's against the law in this state to walk around naked in a public place."

Exx Babe stared down at his feet as he shifted his weight nervously. She did have a point. It was a good thing it had been a woman officer who had brought this to his attention, and not one of those oppressive, evil, twisted men ... He paused for a second as he remembered that he was a man again, and always had been, actually. This was going to be very difficult to adjust to.

"Well, er," he began. "I'm not exactly naked."

"Oh?" said the officer. She raised her eyebrows at this.

"Well, no. See, this is a suit my parents gave me for my birthday. I kind of like it, too, since it fits so nicely."

"Do tell," the woman said slowly. "It's probably a little chilly, though, isn't it, for this time of year?"

"I suppose it is," said Exx Babe. "But what can I do?"

"Well," she said, producing a pair of handcuffs, "you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you can not afford an attorney, one will be provided for you by the state. You have the right to sing the blues. You have ..."

And on she went. Before he could say "antidisestablishmentarianism" (even before he could figure out how to pronounce it), Exx Babe was handcuffed and in the back of Lieutenant McKillop's squad car.

The next few hours were a haze for Exx Babe. He was charged with public indecency and indecent exposure, issued a set of clothes, and sent into a cell with fifteen other men. Exx Babe passed the time by slowly peeling the latex skin from his knees and feet.

At long last, a police officer approached the cell to release Exx Babe. At his side was a well-dressed, dignified older man. A neatly trimmed gray beard adorned his chin, perhaps to make up for the hair time had long since stolen from the top of his head, and on his nose rested a pair of thin-rimmed glasses. The man was dressed in a smart brown suit, with a white shirt, dark tie, and black polished shoes. Exx Babe stared into the man's dark brown eyes and recognized him at once.

"Good afternoon, sir," the man said in a light Scottish accent. "I'm Sean C. Tansa, attorney at law. I've been appointed to you by the state of Pennsylvania."



:::IR51 FRI FEB 21, 1992 10.45.27
PART 48: ORDER IN THE COURT?
FROM: IR51 At Music

Exx Babe was slightly confused about his lawyer. He had seen this guy before but could not quite remember where. All he knew was that it was before he was a woman and after he was a man and then a woman and then there was Dr. Dingle. He was just confused.

"Sir, might I have your name please?" It was Tansa.

"I guess -- it's Exx Man...no Exx Ma...no. I got it. Exx Babe. Yes. That is my name! I am Exx Babe defender of hairstylists everywhere!"

"Ok Exx Babe. Now, can you tell me why you were walking around the city naked."

"I was?"

"Yes, Why do you think you are here?"

"I don't know. I just assumed you were from the Sanitarium. I just..."

"You just..."

"You're....You're Tansa. Yes! The evil Tansa! I was sent to get you!"

"Well, yes I am Tansa. My name is Sean C. Tansa, Attorney-at-Law."

"Oh Ok."

"Now, let me explain to you what will happen. In half an hour you will be arraigned for public disturbance. We will plead guilty, pay your fine, and return you to Kissiah Sanitarium."

"All right."

Tansa left Exx babe and went over to the court room. Exx Babe had to think about the last 48 hours. He had to ponder the latex skin and where it came from and he had to deal with the reality of being a man (again). This was not easy for him. Exx babe made a decision while sitting in the cell. It was his job to fight against the evils of the universe. That's right he is a superhero and in the style he was intended to be in Part One! He had to fight against all the evil and injustice to all mankind.

By the time Exx Babe made this realization, he had to be in court. Once in court, Tansa plead the case for Exx Babe. He plead guilty and asked the court for mercy. The judge was about to pass sentence when the prosecutor asked to call a character witness as a testimony to the mental condition of the defendant.

"Objection!" yelled Tansa.

"This is highly irregular," replied the judge. (who also looked like someone mentioned earlier in the story)

"Your honor, I am going to show that this man is not deserving of mercy and should be sent back to the Herman Kissiah Sanitarium."

Tansa fell silent. "I'll allow it," said the judge.

In walked none other than Skywalker. Exx babe took off for him. It was chaos. The battle between good and evil had begun.


:::DL20 THU MAR 12, 1992 16.20.37
Part 49: Happy Days Are Here Again
FROM: DL20 At Music

"Order! Order!" the judge shouted. "I will not see this courtroom turned into a circus. Mister Babe, I am finding you in contempt of this court of law. Mister Tansa, I strongly advise you to keep control of your client in the future, or I will do the same for you."

Tansa nodded.

"What do you think you were doing?" he hissed to Exx Babe when the bailiffs sat him down, handcuffed again.

"That was the evil Skywalker. I would recognize him anywhere, even without his costume," said Exx Babe, as if this explained everything.

"Skywalker? What are you, Darth Vader?" Tansa wiped his face with his handkerchief, wondering what representing this madman would do to his career as a law attorney.

As the Skywalker took the stand, a bailiff came forward with a dictionary. Placing his left hand on the dictionary and holding his right hand up to the ceiling, the Skywalker prepared to swear himself in.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" said the bailiff.

"I do," he said.

"Please state your name for the record," said the bailiff.

"James T. Bell," he said, and sat down.

Satisfied, the prosecuting attorney began his questioning. "Mister Bell," he asked, "how long have you known the defendant?"

Bell considered. "I've ... had dealings with him ever since October 30, 1991. We meet from time to time, though I can't say that either of us ever plan to."

Exx Babe looked at Bell closely. Yes, this had to be the Skywalker. He remembered that horrible business back when they had tried to convince him that his name was Lord Helmet. Of course, he had become a woman back then and had been freed from the patriarchy-induced egocentric, totalitarian ... he fumbled mentally as he remembered that he was once again a man. This was definitely going to take getting used to. Perhaps he should call himself Exx Person from now on to avoid any future identity crises if he should changes sexes again.

Exx Babe drummed his fingers nervously on the table in front of him and averted his eyes from Bell to look at the others in the courtroom. Now the judge looked familiar to Exx Babe, and the more he thought of it, the more Exx Babe was convinced that he knew him from somewhere. The tall, wiry figure with a clean-shaven face. The dark brown eyes. Exx Babe steepled his fingers and looked at the judge more closely, imagining him in a white suit, complete to the shoes and tie. It was him -- it had to be. From the dark blond hair to the thin figure, it was clear to Exx Babe who the judge really was.

"Hey!" Exx Babe suddenly shouted at the judge, "You're My Pimp!"

The prosecuting attorney stopped his line of questioning at this strange announcement. He had just been about to ask Mister Bell to explain further the time Exx Babe had attacked him at the hair dresser's. The media representatives, however, found Exx Babe's revelation to be much more interesting than the actual trial. There was a flurry of activity in the media section as reporters took notes on Exx Babe's statement. A round of flashes went off as photographers took pictures of the judge.

"Your honor," a member of the press shouted, "are we to understand that you run a gay prostitution ring in the city despite the law which forbids prostitution in this state?"

The judge buried his head in his hands and began to cry.

Everyone's attention was stolen once again as an explosion blew the rear door to the courtroom inward. A shower of wood splinters rained on the courtroom and in the doorway stood a large man. Armed with a rebuilt semi-automatic rifle, the man stood in the doorway, absolutely still. Over six feet tall, with huge muscles and short brown hair, he wore dark sunglasses and a leather jacket. His face was completely expressionless as he walked into the courtroom. People shuddered as his shadow passed over them as he walked to the front of the courtroom. He came to a halt directly in front of Exx Babe and held the rifle up against Exx Babe's head, which was bowed in terror.

"Dance," he said.


:::RB51 THU MAR 26, 1992 18.51.07
PART 50: AN AMERICAN LOVE STORY
FROM: RB51 At Music

In a land far, far, far away, a humble peasant man sat tinkering at his workbench.


:::MP53 THU MAR 26, 1992 18.39.47
PART 51: UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.
FROM: MP53 At Music

Suddenly, a shadow appeared above the humble peasant man. He looked up to see a decloaked Klingon bird of prey hovering 300 meters above him.

"Phasers locked on target, sir," reported the relatively new weaponry trainee.

Klergee scowled at the young cadet. "Use manual control."

The trainee was at once taut with apprehension. He'd had little experience behind this console as it was, and his manual firing skills left much to be desired.

"AT ONCE, YOUNG ONE!!!!" exploded his captain, enraged at this boy's hesitation to use manual fire controls. He would be damned if the son of his brother would make a fool of him on the ship.

Kar disengaged computer fire control, and began the strenuous process of remembering just how to do what he had just been told to do. He hit one button, then another, the few years of training coming back to him. Confident, he hit the fire button. The ground was peppered with phaser shots, striking down several hundred feet away, blowing up the neighbor's 1964 Plymouth Fury III, and melting down the roofs of surrounding houses. The man still sat there, looking up into the air at the UFO that had just aerated all the lawns in a 400-foot radius, unable to move, with his mouth hanging open.

"Try and hit the target next time, you moron! If you want to destroy everything around him, just drop a photon torpedo," shouted an extremely unsteady captain. How would his ship make it if fire control went out with this clown at the weapons console?

Kar gave up, and followed what he perceived to be his captains order. He launched a torpedo.

"NO!" screamed Klergee. "Raise shields, IMMEDIATELY!"

It was too late for the shields, and the ship was rocked by a devastating blast. All that was below them now was a 50-foot-deep, half-mile-wide crater. Mission accomplished.

The battered ship increased her attitude, and, cloaking, headed spaceward.


:::BB21 THU MAR 26, 1992 18.51.07
PART 52: AN AMERICAN LOVE STORY
FROM: BB21 At Music

In a land far, far, far away, a peasant man sat tinkering at his workbench.


:::DL20 THU MAR 26, 1992 20.02.05
Part 53: Sudden Impact

FROM: DL20 At Music

A mile back into the stratosphere, it was obvious to Captain Klergee that something was dreadfully wrong. For starters, the astrogation computer had generated a smiley face and kept saying softly, "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't let you do that." If that wasn't bad enough, the entire ship's hold was filling with a vicuous liquid not quite unlike tar.

"Khest!" he shouted. "What is happening?"

"Captain," said First Officer Kahless, "we are losing altitude steadily. Impact in five minutes unless the engines increase power output."


Meanwhile, the peasant skillfully carved a Zenith 486 from a block of wood, delicately shaving off the wood in areas where it was too bulky or rough. At last he put down his work and walked away from his work bench to read the new edition of The Express-Times.

The lead article was about that Exx Babe person who was on trial for public indecency. The trial was now in its thirty-fourth day. Several days ago, a large man had entered the courtroom and demanded that people begin dancing. So far, the newspaper reported, there had been incidents of the cha-cha, the tango, and even the waltz and bunny hop, but fortunately, there had been no violence.

The peasant looked up. What was that loud noise? It sounded like his house was caving in. Sure enough, the ceiling began to buckle and to split. Plaster flakes fell down by the ton, bringing with them wood, metal pipes, the heating vent, and the entire first two floors. Up above that, he saw a giant metal bird-like ship, its engines straining to keep it airborne, and failing.

For an insane moment, the words, "Spock, you must become one with the horse" rushed through the peasant's mind, and then he was crushed lifeless beneath the Bird of Prey.


As the hours passed, fire fighters by the score descended upon the unfortunate hamlet which had suffered not one, but two of its citizens to be so mercilessly cut down in their prime by this unidentified UFO. At last the blaze was brought under control, and the police stepped closer to see if anyone had survived the conflagration.

"Anyone in there?" shouted an officer.

At first it seemed there would be no response, but slowly a metal hatch opened in the hull of the blackened, twisted ship. Out came a human-shaped creature, nearly six feet tall. Whatever it was seemed to be dressed in silver body armor, worn over a black outfit. Apparently, a lobster had attached itself to the alien's forehead, but on closer inspection, the officer realized this was simply an extension of the alien's spine.

"Dead -- all dead," the alien said. "Those who didn't die in the crash baked to death as the ship burnt. I heard my shipmates screaming in agony, and I couldn't help them because I was trapped in the gunpit. Dead, do you hear me? I'm the last hope -- the last chance for peace."

The officer dropped her jaw and her gun in surprise. Whatever she had expected, she did not expect the alien to speak English.

"Where is the Robert I. Rotberg Courthouse?" the alien demanded in its guttural tones. The officer pointed.

"Thank you," said Kar.

"Wh-what are you doing?" the officer demanded.

"This is an important moment in history, human -- a juncture between two possible futures. If the Happy Terminator kills Exx Babe, the computers will rule the Earth and there will be no Federation to unite the galaxy. I must kill the Happy One and thus save the Klingon-Federation alliance."

With that, Kar took a step forward and fell on his face. He slid the entire ruins of the house before he managed to stop himself and get back to his feet.

And Lieutenant Joanna McKillop couldn't help but think that if this reject from Star Trek was telling the truth, then the Earth was going to need a lot more help than that klutz could ever give it.'



:::PF21 FRI MAR 27, 1992 11.32.56
MARA RETURNS WITH DR. SEVERIN
FROM: PF21 At Music


How clever she had been! Mara delighted in her deception. "That Skywalker thought he could rid the world of me so easily! Ha! I laugh in his face!" muttered Mara to herself as she walked along the dim alley toward the brown door with peeling paint.

While the newspapers reported the death of a woman who had fallen thirteen stories to her death, the woman had not been Mara. Mara's fall had been slowed by the overhanging canopy-like gabled projections that she bounced through one after another, until she went through the last one and hit an unsuspecting pedestrian with her spiked heel straight in the face! Yes, a woman did die that day, but Mara escaped and decided to let her enemies believe she was dead. She would get revenge, malicious, delicious revenge for Dingle! "I'll do it for Frederick!" said Mara. "They will all dance the dance of death before I'm through!"

After lying low for a few weeks, Mara decided there was only one man who could assist her...Dr. Severin! He had been Dingle's pupil, and Mara was even tempted to dance for him once, but she had resisted the temptation and simply relegated her affectionate displays to polishing Severin's shiny, bald head.

At last, Mara arrived at the door and pressed the green buzzer. A voice spoke. "Who comes to the doorstep of eternity?"

"It is I, and I too am One!" replied Mara. "You are One?" asked the voice with more interest. "Yes, you herbert! Open the door Severin! It's Mara!" shouted the irritated Mara.

The door opened and Mara entered a large room with tie-die painted walls and mannequins that looked like hippies positioned everywhere with peace necklaces around their necks. The strong fragrance of incense pierced her nostrils and Mara coughed. She then noticed Dr. Severin sitting like an Indian guru with bald head polished to a teflon sheen and hands carefully held together forming a pyramid. Dr. Severin spoke. "Mara. Mara it has been many ages since you forsook the search for paradise. But you have returned and are One! Welcome to my nightmare!"

"I need your assistance," said Mara coldly. "As you probably know, Dr. Dingle has been murdered, and I barely escaped alive. However, I have plans and I need you to help me. I cannot accomplish my goals alone."

"What can you offer me, Mara?" queried Severin in a monotone, emotionless voice.

"I'll help you find paradise. Dingle discovered how to get there quite by accident," said Mara matter-of-factly.

"Where is it??! You must tell me! I will be One!" said Severin hysterically while his necklaces jingled around his neck.

"Clam up, you herbert! Not so fast, baldy!" said Mara with an air of authority. "First you do as I say, then you get to paradise. Got it?"

"Very well, Mara. I shall assist because you are One," said Severin with a tone of defeat.

"And stop calling me Mara! I've decided to bury her once and for all!" announced the cold, tall woman. "I will now be known as Trixy! And I have quite a number of tricks in my choreography bag!"

"Pack your bags Severin, were leaving in 5 minutes," said Trixy.

"Are we going to paradise? Will I be One?" asked Severin with wide eyes of expectation.

"Silence!" said Trixy in a Dingle-like tone. "We're going to a location close to the Robert I. Rotberg Courthouse. "Now move it!"

And so it was that Trixy and Dr. Severin climbed into a now orange-painted van and sped off into the night. The "Child on Board" sign clattered against the back window. Dr. Severin spoke softly.

"Will I really be One?"

Trixy slapped Severin on his bald head, leaving a red stinging hand print.




:::IR51 SAT MAR 28, 1992 21.10.45
PART 55: OH, YOU AGAIN....
FROM: IR51 At Music

After fading through the wall at the supermarket, Dragon Poker decided he should lay low and just observe the journeys of Exx Babe. He had been like a shadow for the last three months and witnessed his transferal back to a man and all the other neat stuff that had occurred. (He had found the indecent exposure crime very interesting.) Now, as Exx babe stood trial, Dragon Poker was one of the many observers who had gone to The Rotberg Courthouse to view the strange, and sometimes exotic, dancing that this happy terminator was forcing the participants in the trial to do. It had been quite amusing.

* * * * * "You may leave now," the nurse said as he let his patient go.

"Thank you very much," came the hoarse but masculine voice.

She arose from her wheelchair and tried to yell for a taxi. Her voice could not be heard above the noise of the hospital.

"Darn," she said. "Now what am I going to do now? Exx Babe is on trial and I must help her." (She had been out of it for a while remember)

Spike has had a tough time of it. Her wacky hair style fad was just that: a fad. After her choking fit on asparagus and the war it started, she had been sent to the hospital for emergency surgery to remove that darned asparagus. The doctors had done the best they could but were unable to salvage much of her vocal cords. All that was left were bits and strands of asparagus that now vibrated. Needless to say this caused great difficulty in talking.

During her stay in the hospital, Spike had been under heavy medication and was unable to keep up on the news of Exx babe. All she knew was he had been arrested on indecent exposure charges and that people were dancing in the streets or something like that.

Now that she was out of the hospital she wanted to rejoin up with her feminine partner in crime -solving and super-heroinedom. All she knew was that she had to get to the Rotberg Courthouse. Fortunately a taxi pulled up and offered a ride.


:::DL20 SAT MAR 28, 1992 22.12.03
Part 56: The Dance of Destruction
FROM: DL20 At Music

"Confound it," Trixy shouted, slapping Severin again. "Why didn't you watch where I was driving? Your stupidity has allowed the entire exhaust system to be wrenched from the Dingle-van!"

Severin bowed his head. "I am sorry, Ma -- I mean, Trixy. But all is not lost. You can still get a ride if you hitchhike."

With a huff, Trixy walked back up to the rode, and through the section of guardrail the van had crashed through. Squirrels raced around the bits and pieces of twisted exhaust system which had fallen out of the van as it catapulted over the ledge. With a scowl, Trixy readjusted her pigtails and stuck out a thumb while she waited for a car to pass.

In minutes, a bright white racing car with the red letter M on its hood came to a sudden stop in front of her. Driving the car was a young man with bright white pants, a blue button-down short-sleeved shirt, white racing gloves, and a white motorcycle helmet. "Trixy!" he shouted. "What are you doing here?"

"Speed!" Trixy's mouth dropped to the ground. It had been years since they had talked. While they had once been extremely close, and even considered marriage a possibility, they had been unable to get past the embarrassing Chim-Chim incident. And then there had been the Car Acrobatic Team, with their distressing news about Speed's older brother, Rex, and that waitress in Singapore.

Speed blushed, remembering the Chim-Chim incident, and then finally remembered his manners well enough to speak again. "Can I offer you a ride?" he said.

"Well, ah," she stammered. "Sure. I was headed to -- " For a moment, the Robert I. Rotberg Courthouse loomed in her mind, but a strange force changed her mind. "I was headed to 123 Racine Street." With that, she opened the door and climbed in.

"Trixy!" Severin shouted. "Trixy, what about me?"

"Go dance," she called back, and the car left.



Exx Babe, meanwhile, was caught up in the gravity of his situation. When he called himself "Exx Man," he became a woman. When he changed his name to "Exx Babe," he discovered he had actually been a man the entire time. No matter what he called himself, it seemed fate had decreed it should not fit. He had thought about this long and hard, ever since the Happy Terminator had arrived and made people dance. And now, at last, at long last, he had reached a conclusion.

"Excuse me," he said, "I have an announcement to make." Those dancing breathed a sigh of relief, glad for this brief reprieve from the headspins and moonwalks they had been doing for seven hours straight now. The entire courtroom turned to look at him, including the Happy Terminator. He had everyone's complete and undivided attention.

"The time has come for me to accept my responsibility to all those in need, regardless of their sexes. While I have previously taken refuge in sexist nomenclature like Exx 'Man' and now, 'Exx Babe,' I feel it is time for me to accept my duty in the politically correct 1990s. From now on, I wish to be known as Exx *Person*. Thank you."

"DANCE!" the Happy Terminator roared, and to his delight, the entire courthouse was soon filled with a wild Mexican samba.




It had been a difficult ride to the house with Speed. Pops had apparently never gotten over the emotional wounds inflicted by the Chim-Chim incident, and had to be consigned to the Herman C. Kissiah Sanitarium over a year ago, and had apparently died during the recent explosion there. In fact, Spritel was the only one who had made it through unscathed, for some reason psychologists were unable to fathom, since Chim-Chim and he had been inseparable companions. Spritel had recently become the head of a major communications firm known as Lettuce Communications or somesuch.

Although she had never been to 123 Racine, Trixy somehow knew there was a key hidden under a false rocks lining the driveway. With trembling hands, she unlocked the door. Inside was a technological wonder land. Here, yes here, was the matter transference device Doctor Dingle had stolen from the aliens. The one he had used to capture first Albert van Houten, then James T. Bell, and finally Exx Man, for his brutal eugenics experiments.

Driven by a compulsion she could not understand, Trixy entered a second room and pressed a red button. In the doorway behind her, a steel barrier crashed to the floor. She knew she should be terrified, yet she sat through it all as though it were happening to someone light-years away. The wall in front of her transformed into a crystal screen, and on the screen appeared the image of Doctor Frederick von Dingle.

"Ah, my malicious, delicious Mara," said the image. "if you are watching this, then I can only conclude that I have begun to dance the final dance at last. Alas! you can dance for me no longer. I have, however, taken steps to insure that you can serve me one final time, in a way that will serve me as no dance ever could.

"Using my vastly superior intellect, I have created a computer, stored within this house, which has stored my engrams and biochemistry up until the time of my death. Over the past few months, it has been sorting this data, processing the best way to initiate a transformation within you to enable you to serve me again.

"By this time I have been dead about three months. Acting on a call you cannot resist, a posthypnotic command, you have come to this house to allow my rebirth. In a matter of minutes, a gas will be released into the air within this room to render you unconscious so that I might live again.

"To you I have given the greatest gift anyone has ever had! You shall become me." The image ceased, and for a moment, Mara realized she should be terrified. The bio-reforming gas rushed into the room, sweeping her into unconsciousness, and a hefty metal piece of headgear slid down onto her head to erase her memories and feed in the new ones.





"Thank you for the ride, Lieutenant," Kar said. "I must confess -- I have never ridden in as primitive a vehicle as this automobile of yours."

"It was nothing," McKillop said. "I'll do anything to save the Earth from subjugation to megalomaniac computers. What do you suggest now?"

"I will enter the back of the courthouse to destroy the Happy Terminator. I suggest you depart. The coming battle is no place for human females."

McKillop loaded her manlicher carcanno. "I'm coming along, or your brains can decorate the inside of my squad car."

Kar shrugged. "I have no wish to serve in the Black Fleet yet. Come along."

The two of them entered the courthouse in time to witness the Mexican hat dance in full swing. The Happy Terminator stood there with his reassembled assault rifle, egging them on. "Dance!! DANCE!" he shouted.

Suddenly, from the front door, Spike entered. "Skywalker!" she said as she suddenly recognized James T. Bell in the witness stand.

A figure, lurking in the shadows of the corner stood up right. "Skywalker?" he said, shocked.

"Dragon Poker!" Bell said, astonished.

"My Pimp!" Exx Person insisted to Tansa, who was growing rather disgusted with the farce this trial had become.

Suddenly, with a fearsome battle cry, Kar leapt out from the rear entrance and took a wild phaser shot at the Happy Terminator. The fan hanging from the ceiling broke loose and bounced on the floor. With a loud rush, it soared through the air again, and struck Happy dead in the chest. He looked at it, puzzled, and pulled it back out.

Taking advantage of the confusion, Exx Person swiftly ducked out the back door, hoping to avoid getting killed in the melee which was sure to ensue.



Dingle opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling tiles eight feet above him. He broke into a hideous grin. "Ah, Mara, you have saved me from the dance of death one last time." He arose and went out the now-open doorway, his five-foot-long tail bobbing as he went.



:::MD54 SUN APR 05, 1992 01.53.37
GUILT IS A SQUIRREL NAMED DINGLE
FROM: MD54 At Music

The Setting: The Robert I. Rotberg Courthouse The Case : The People of Markle v. EXX Babe/Man/Person/?? Honorable Judge David A. Porkchop (otherwise known as "My Pimp")


-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
This is how I always start: "My name is Sean C. Tansa, and I am the Public Defender."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -



At the resulting "Crash!" of the ceiling fan, Chuckles the Happy Terminator spun around looking for the new intruder.

"Thank goodness! We can stop dancing!!!" Witnesses tumbled to the floor and tried to crawl from the nearest egress, hoping to escape before the command to "Dance" was once again reinstated. Confusion mounted.

Spike was confused. Exx Babe seemed to be missing once again. She had come all this way, only to be ditched once more. Life was a series of bad falls, usually punctuated with things landing on top of you.

"Exx BABE! EXX BABE!" she yelled, her florescent spiked hair bobbing strangely in the dust flying about the chamber. "Where oh where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found true love! You met another and..."



-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
"I represent the accused. I am here to refute the interpretation of the evidence of the crime."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -



PHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTT!!! Spike was gone, her body skidding across the floor, out the door, and into the heavy traffic of Friday afternoon rush from the heavy concussion of mega 4" long armor piercing bullets. She was dead before the schoolbus (and the train) (and the crash- landing jumbo 747) ran over her.

[ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! Target missed (DRAT!) Error ERROR, no multi-cultural lingo absorption allowed, purging naughty word.... purge....purge...PURGE DARN IT....ERROR ERROR ERROR....]

As Chuckles puzzled over his new malfunction, Kar looked about. Despite the Terminator's lack of any dexterity, it would be a dangerous opponent. And dangerous measures were thus called for. Plus, Klingon honor demanded the most DANGEROUS solution possible, preferably at the loss of his own meager misbegotten life.

Skywalker looked about, stunned. All this destruction, and Exx Person was not even involved. How disappointing. He HAD to succeed in his quest to remove the reputation and the life of Exx Person from this world. Otherwise he would never be rid of the huge jealousy resulting from the fact that Dingle considered him -- the Great SkyWalker -- to be only a precursor (a sidebar, if you will) to the TRUE experiment: the creation of Exx Person. That dishonor would never be absolved, but at least Skywalker could take prominence as the Best Still Living Experiment of The Great Doctor Dingle! Yes, he could. It was definitely a possibility.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
"Together, you will weigh the evidence before you. You will deliberate upon it. And you will decide if it proves the defendant's guilt or innocence."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --


Kar looked about for a weapon suitable for destroying the Happy Terminator. But no huge molten pools of iron or large hydraulic presses seemed present in the chaotic courtroom at the moment! Mother Beast of Kribschnitzchen! What would he do? Unfortunately, Chuckles had regained his senses. Kar blasted his Klingon disrupter once, twice, three times. Three men of the bar screamed horribly and dissolved into nothingness. This was horribly frustrating. First the nasty crash of the Klingon ship Khrushchev (his FIRST mission, no less), and then the deaths of these innocents -- their naive blood all over his paws. This was NOT an honorable way for a Klingon to save his universe.

[Target Shift -- Ugly Humanoid Wearing Large Lobster on Forehead. Identity not confirmed....checking...checking...checking...Cross Reference Commencing...2 Entries. See Movie "The Elephant Man" or any "Star Trek" entry listed. Possibly a...Klingon. Suitable for Termination . Enter Super Super SUPER CHASE Destruct Mode.]

Chuckles clunked forward, arms outstretched towards Kar. "Dance, Klingon! Dance!" Kar looked about frantically. Chances were another disrupter blast would simply take out the Court Secretary. Suddenly hands grabbed at him.

"Quit messing up my court, you mutated retard! I charge you with contempt! CONTEMPT, do you hear me?"

Kar felt the Anger rise within, and red clouded his vision. With a snarl, he grabbed the arm and heaved My Pimp -- robes fluttering -- at the Happy Terminator. My Pimp actually smacked right into the machine monster.

"Dance! DANCE!" muttered the Terminator, grabbing hold of My Pimp's waist and starting to lead. My Pimp screamed in frustration and at the scrambled sexual roles occurring.

"Let go of me! LEGGO!"

The Terminator went to toss My Pimp up into the air and instead smashed him up into the ceiling. THWACK! Plaster drifted down as My Pimp fell and slammed back into the floor. He shook his head groggily.

"DANCE! DANCE!" the Terminator exclaimed, grabbing hold of the dazed Judge's arms and flinging him around in numerous circles and putting big holes in the wall as well as busting up a few desks. AS a finale, the Terminator went to do a two-step ahead holding the broken bleeding body of My Pimp, and accidentally stepped on his foot and kept walking. The effect was rather disarming.

"Dance!" yelled the Terminator, shaking the corpse. "DANCE!"

[Error! ERROR! Partner does not respond. Scanning files.."Making Partner Respond."...scanning....scanning....Answers: Give chocolate. Kiss on lips. Spend wads of money.]

Not knowing what a "wad" of money was and having no need to eat chocolate, the Terminator puckered up.


-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
"This man has been accused." And I point.... And then I realize that Exx Person isn't there anymore. Hm. Very interesting. In fact, the room appears to be a positive circus like those described in media-promoted mass culture movies and books. I think I'll head back across the armless corpse of the judge (he never knew how to use a gavel anyway) and talk to that camcorder reporter back there....
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -


"Dance with ME, you inhuman Romulan Machine!! COME DANCE!" AGAIN, the disrupter fired. And My Pimp's corpse disappeared in the red glow, leaving Chuckles behind holding air and grimacing horribly (and leaving no doubt at all in any reader's mind that My Pimp was truly, completely, and irredeemably dead.)

"My Partner! You shot My Partner!" , said the Terminator, forgetting that the judge's name was My Pimp. For once, and strangely so, the Terminator felt loss and grief. Doctor Dingle's mind patterns were taking their toll on the emotionless machinery. The Klingon would HAVE to pay. And then dance.

It tottered towards Kar, its red eyes flaming angrily.

Lt. McKillop squinted down the barrel of her manlicher carcanno.

"Let's see if I'LL let two bloodthirsty savages turn my town into a bloodbath. I even trusted that one, and now he's shooting people under my care."

The tattered head of Chuckles came into focus. Her finger tightened on the trigger.


-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
I speak to the News Reporter with the live camcorder. He looks frightened, but I have not yet finished my speech.

"Today, you -- all of you -- have taken on one of the most solemn obligations of citizenship. Your job is to find the facts. The truth. It is not an easy task, I know. Memories may fail; recollections may be shaded. The evidence may point in differing directions. You may be forced to decide about things that no one seems to know, or to be willing to say. If you were home, at work, anywhere in your daily life, you might be ready to throw up your hands, you might not want to make the effort. Here, you must."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -



James T. Bell prepared to depart and search for the absent Exx Person. He wouldn't get away this time. The horde of people milling about made egress from the courthouse difficult to find, however.

"Don't go so fast, young Skywalker," came a dark voice from behind. Bell tried to wheel about, avoiding being knocked over by a seeing eye dog and an old woman with a cane.

"Who are YOU? And why do you call me SkyWalker?" yelled Bell, feeling his heart take a sudden leap in his chest.

The black figure moved forward, the crowds parting from around it. "That IS your name, is it NOT? SKYwalker?"

"My name is none of your business, and I have need to leave. I'll talk to you some other time. Call me up and we'll do lunch."

Dragon Poker knocked aside the calling card held out by the evasive Bell and laughed. "Surely you don't think I'll fall for THAT old excuse, do you? Indeed, I KNOW whom you seek. And I know WHOM you have tried to kill twice already. And thus you have called your own doom down upon your head."

Bell was getting rather peeved. "Listen, I don't WANT to fight with you right now. I'm busy. And stop calling me Skywalker! My name is James T. Bell!"

Dragon Poker laughed. "You never stop pretending, do you? I know you as clearly as you know me. We are of the same mold, you and I, both products of the same Maker -- the same Force. The same Emperor that you now have tried to destroy. And your betrayal will cost you your misbegotten life."

"Dingle? You speak of Dingle? That mad pig! He deserved to die! He should have made me the greatest! I AM the Greatest!" Skywalker paused, eyes lost amid the chaos, dreamy. "But he wouldn't stop. No. His madness carried him past me, and I was soon forgotten. He carried his insane dream on and left me alone, tortured, unloved. He considered me unworthy to be the pinnacle of his career. He created others to take my place. And so he died, as all the others shall. And I alone shall remain." Skywalker smiled.

"Die, heretic!" cried Dragon Poker. "You will not live to destroy the Emperor. He will have you as his own, or you will die!"

Clenching his fist, Dragon Poker sprang a sharp sword blade from his forearm. It glinted amid the sunlight pouring in through the holes in the roof, as well as the various machine-gun and disrupter blasts echoing about.

"Never!" promised Skywalker, grabbing a lengthy piece of wood from the floor (formerly part of a nearby railing) and parrying the first swing. The battle commenced.


-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
"You must decide. Let me remind you. There was a real crime. No one will dispute that. There was a real victim. Real pain. You do not have to tell me why it happened. People's motives, after all, may be forever locked inside of them. But you must, at least, try to determine what actually occurred. If you cannot, we will not know if this man deserves to be freed -- or punished. We will have no idea who to blame. If we cannot find the truth, what is our hope of justice?"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -


Skywalker gasped as Dragon Poker pressed him back, crying out "Why do you fight me? Turn from your mad ways and agree with me! Why do you stick with the evil of Dingle?!!" Dragon Poker levelled a deathly slash at Skywalker's head (he ducked) and then pushed him some more.

"Because you threaten the empire of the Master! You are not the only creation of the Dark Scientist and his mighty strength! Have you not yet guessed yet?"

Skywalker felt a cold chill rush up his back. The blade and the sliver of wood met and locked in a contest of strength. The two faces were mere inches apart.

Dragon Poker laughed. "You with your visions of glory, never considering the others. I was the FIRST!!! The FIRST display of Dingle's genius! I, before all the others! I, before you!!!"

Skywalker pushed the pair up into the air in a move of desperation. The words were confusing and made his mind buzz with some black dark secret. He couldn't understand.

"No, you're wrong!" he cried in agony. "I was the Best, the First! I was! Dingle said the rest failed, that they died! I was the Grandest!"

Dragon Poker paused, and then the most malicious smile Skywalker had ever seen ran across his enemy's face. "No, young Skywalker. It is the truth. I am your Father! (or older Brother, or the First of Your Line!)"

Then and only then did young Skywalker know the true horror of his existence. "No," he whispered, stunned into almost-silence. Dragon Poker pushed his advantage.

"Yes, young Skywalker. Join me. It is not beyond me. And we can join Dingle in the progress of his great Intellectual Force."

Skywalker cried out and then swung his piece of railing at Dragon Poker. The mighty blade of the First Creation flashed there above the floor of the Courthouse, and Skywalker's hand -- separated from the wrist quite cleanly and without a great deal of ado -- fell gracefully to the floor. Skywalker whimpered and grabbed the stump of his wrist, while Dragon Poker stepped back slightly, as the two hovered.

"Now, young Skywalker. It pained me to do that, but you must join me. Come. Come and we will rule the multiverse together alongside Emperor Dingle -- Brother and Father, Sister and Mother, Husband and Wi..., the First and the Not-First Creations." He stretched out his hand to the wounded man. "Come. Reach out and take my hand. "Join me."

Skywalker looked at the hand through his haze of pain, and then he did the last thing he could do. "NO! NEVER!" he cried, and then he leapt away from Dragon Poker, plummeting downwards and over, crashing through the huge bay windows and disappearing outward into the city.

Dragon Poker merely looked sadly on as young Skywalker disappeared, and then he abruptly dropped downwards due to the lack of a levitator holding him up.



-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
"And now, dear jury and citizens, I must close."

"There was a crime."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --



Kar prepared himself to die as his disrupter ran out of charges (a blessed relief to all the myriad citizens who were stuck inside and cannon fodder for the weapon) and Chuckles flung him back and prepared to blast him.

"Whoa!" cried Dragon Poker, landing on the Terminator and knocking both to the ground in a heap, right as Lt. McKillop fired her nasty weapon and hit a major support beam on the far side of the room. The building swayed eerily, groaning. The few normal people left inside decided to head out while the going was good (all except for Tansa -- still finishing his amazing and rather drab soliloquy -- and the camera person recording the speech).

Kar prepared to enter Klingon battle rage. It was the only way.

Dragon Poker stumbled to his feet and moved back from the Terminator.

[Scanning scanning scanning....Identity Query: WHoAmI? Query? QUERY! Searching for environmental factors....scanning... scanning...scanning....LOCK! Humanoid with metallic appendages!]

Dragon Poker, his extendo-blade still visible, looked at the Terminator in horror.

"Da-DA!" yelled the Terminator, stumbling towards Dragon Poker, arms extended. "You ah my FATHER!"

Unfortunately, Chuckle's guns were damaged and locked into fire mode as he stood from the fall, so Dragon Poker found himself attempting to dodge a HECK of a lot of bullets that would have liked to remove him from this tale.

"Uh, NOT!" decided Dragon Poker, and he bamfed out of the chamber, heading for a safer climate (like Iraq).

"Da-da??" mumbled Chuckles, looking around rather confused, spraying bullets everywhere and knocking out some more support beams.


-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
"There was a victim......"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -



Kar took his golden moment and leapt at the confused Terminator. Chuckles took that moment to trip. Kar missed, was caught by the brunt of the bullets and was flung out the far window, throwing glass everywhere. [Sidebar: Fortunately, Klingons wear Kevlar battle armor, so the wounds shouldn't be too severe.]

[Error! ERROR! Figure NOT father! Rechecking identity! Rescan! Rescan! Access files DINGLE1.WHO and related material. Reading... Reading...Looking up word in self-check dictionary...."Squir –

The large screaming of the ceiling made the Terminator look up.



-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -
"And there was....PUNISHMENT......"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -



With a hideous cry of failed strength, the building caved in. The roof and walls collapsed inward, burying Tansa, the cameraman (who won a guest appearance on 'I WITNESS Video' for his close up of Tansa's death), and the Happy Terminator under tons of wood, concrete, and heavy law books (ESPECIALLY heavy law books). The crowd outside screamed in horror, and then they all rose to their feet and applauded for the "great show." (Only pointing out more the depraved morality of Americans.)

A little boy looking through the rubble saw the gloved hand of Lt. McKillop sticking out of the whole mess. As he watched, it twitched.

"Help," came a quiet gasp. He ran to get his mom.



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