the chaos principle

Exx Man: In the Forbidden Zone

The shadows fell across the dimly lit cavernous corridor. All was silent. The world was shrouded in sin and gluttony and the squirrels and raccoons scurried away seeking cover from the wickedness of humanity. Was there a savior who would stop the evils that plagued the world? The corridor slowly became brighter. A wondrous illumination emanated from what had been just another blot of darkness on a world painted black. The savior had arrived. The white socks projected a dazzling light that blinded all who laughed and scoffed. A new era had come.

Exx Man spoke.

"Oh wicked, wicked man, the time has come for repentance! No more fornication in the dorm rooms, no more gluttony, no more uncleanliness, no more hippie nonsense, no more SIN!!!"

The silence had been shattered. Exx Man had arrived.

Exx Man: Things Get Complicated

Unfortunately, a tremendous calling often leaves an idealistic hero without a proper means to achieve his end--only the end itself.

So it was that, after delivering his entry line with great poise, eloquence, and reverberance, Exx Man found himself stranded among many possible threads of reality that could drastically affect his holy mission. Where would he begin? What EXACTLY would he do? And Why was he doing it? Exx Man found his whole purpose rather confusing at the moment.

Luckily (with fortune being a very relative concept, I might add), all that was about to change.

As Exx Man stood in a stupor, pondering his navel or such, a shower of nearby sparks appeared in the air, exploded into a large ball of energy, and then split in twain with a soundless concussion that sent poor Exx Man tumbling back against the padded walls of his cell (you can never be too safe, his orderlies had assured him). As Exx Man looked on through tearful eyes, a smoking figure staggered to its feet, coughed slightly, and then ruffled its carbon-streaked cape.

"Who are you?" asked Exx Man in his deepest and hopefully most intimidating voice (although, in the past, even his cat had ignored his feeble attempts at machismo.)

The figure stood upright. "I am......DRAGON POKER!" he bellowed, although the huge effort made the wretched villain cough. "And I think that fornicating in dorm rooms, getting plastered, and sinning are things that should be constitutionalized because Americans should have the right to choose their vices! Besides, you're just intolerant of really stupid and immoral things that are bad for people's health anyway, so there!" With that, Dragon Poker glowered menacingly.

Exx Man staggered back under the strong coherency and complete logic behind such an argument. How could he fight against such a compelling stance? But he remained a superhero, chosen by some higher power (the higher, the better, he guessed) and he would not retreat, even if the sky fell on him.

Thus was mortal combat started, and the ground shook with its mere violence.

The battle had begun. Exx Man was pitted against the terrible and evil force that opposed him. Each had his own weapons. The villain was armed with the sin of the world, all the fornication in the dorms and getting plastered included. Exx Man was armed only with a book. That book contained all that was needed to know to defeat any enemy, no matter the size.

The villain began the attack. He launched all the earthly greed and lust in the humans of the planet. His attack was easily defeated by the Exx Man. For in the book it was written that a person should not live that way.

The battle heightened as the Villain continued his attacks. Each one was defeated in turn by the Exx Man.

Exx Man: The Great Escape

"I merely use this book," Exx Man offered by way of explanation, tossing the book in question to Dragon Poker.

"General Chemistry?" Dragon Poker frowned in bewilderment, and resumed his vicious attack on Exx Man, who now found himself bereft of a shield. With a mighty thrust, he poked Exx Man in the chest with his finger.

"Stop it!" Exx Man protested. "That tickles."

"That's strange," his foe muttered. "It always works on dragons . . ." Once again, the two resumed their deadly conflict. The nefarious Dragon Poker gave the invincible Exx Man a mighty uppercut, tossing the immovable Exx Man across the room. He laid hands on the hero again, grabbing him by his shirt and throttling him senseless (which in Exx Man's case is never very far away).

Throughout this evenly matched battle, Exx Man chose to feign weakness, providing Dragon Poker with a false sense of victory. After being pounded another fifteen minutes, he decided it was time to feign unconsciousness.

At this point, our story becomes somewhat unclear, as Exx Man never revealed exactly what he did for the fifteen days when he pretended to be a coma, but it can be assumed that Dragon Poker's false sense of victory was very strong at this point, enabling Exx Man to defeat him with childish ease the next time the two of them met in combat.

Exx Man awoke -- I mean he ended his pretense of a coma -- to find himself inside a hospital far removed from the Herman C. Kissiah Sanatarium where he had been unjustly imprisoned by the agents of evil who sought to keep him from his sacred mission.

Seeing that no one was around, he fled safely away from his nefarious captors, and escaped onto the city streets, and woe to the purveyors of badness whose path he would cross!

Exx Man: The First Encounter
By R. Scott Ingram

The villain now defeated, Exx Man set out to solve all the problems of the world. He began wandering aimlessly down the streets of downtown Easton. Having lost his book, Exx Man was unsure of just what he would use as a weapon should he encounter any foe.

Just as he was thinking this, as luck would have it, a stranger meandered past him. Exx Man stopped, turned around, and thought--- "That was the evil Tansa!!!! I would recognize him anywhere!!!! I must do something."

This is just what Exx Man did: something. Exx Man turned and stared at Tansa. Tansa had no knowledge of this of course. Exx Man began following the evil Tansa. The logic behind this was flawless. Tansa would lead the Exx Man directly to the evil headquarters.

The pursuit continued for miles. Tansa went up hills, down hills, and even around and through hills. Tansa went through several small towns through the course of his journey. One of these was the village referred to as New York city (compared to Easton.)

At last the evil Tansa arrived at his destination. It was a small house located in New Jersey. Exx Man was shocked. The evil headquarters in such a large house (Exx Man had the tendency to exaggerate slightly).

Tansa opened the door and went inside the house, more commonly referred to as a shack. Exx Man had to follow. He picked up his newfound lightsaber and went inside.

Stay tuned for the continuing saga of Exx MAN!!!!

Exx Man: A Second Battle
By R. Scott Ingram

The large mansion, or small shack depending on your view, had one room. In that room stood Tansa. He was dressed in all black and was prepared for the titanic struggle.

Exx Man was also decked out in black. In the pitch black room in made the fight rather interesting. Each had their light sabers activated. The sabers clashing had an appearance of two rods moving about without any control. This was not the case of course.

What actually was going on was the Exx Man holding a twig waving it around the room. Tansa, being a little old man, was shocked and collapsed on the floor in a heap. Exx saw this as a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Resisting the temptation to destroy his enemy he lifted the poor Tansa off the floor and took him to a bed in the corner of the room. Exx Man returned to his twig...er light saber. He turned it off and returned it to its rightful place.

The battle had ended. Tansa had been defeated, as far as Exx knew. Exx Man was know a fully fledged Deji Knight. he had won the first and only fight of his life. This was a big step in his life. What would be his next adventure...

Exx Man: Damsels in Distress
By Frank Puskas

After the ferocious battle with the evil Tansa, Exx Man felt invincible. He had fought well and vanquished his foe. He was certainly a Deji Knight of the first order. But now, what adventures awaited our hero? Exx Man left the shack, determined to make the world safer with his knowledge of chemistry and his unmatched fighting technique.

Exx Man's long, black cape glistened like satin in the faint light shining from the moon. The silver spikes on his gloves cast menacing shadows on the dingy wall of a dilapidated building. Suddenly, Exx Man heard a voice.

"Hey, big boy, looking for some action?" said a woman with fiery red lips and fishnet stockings.

"Madam, I must confess that it is action that I seek. However, I cannot fathom how such a fair maiden such as yourself can help me in this endeavor, " replied Exx Man in his most courteous and gallant manner. "But fair maiden, please tell me why you have been abandoned in this evil place where strange folk wander the streets?"

Exx Man: More Trifles
By Dave Learn

With that special insight given to women, the woman looked at Exx Man, still clothed in his ratty hospital clothes, and realized at once that he must be a lunatic. Not having anything better to do that afternoon, she decided to make the most of his madness.

"Is something wrong?" he asked. "As a superhero, I assure you that I can help you, no matter what it is. I know all there is to know about superheroes, and they never lose battles with supervillains, even if the villain eats planets for lunch, like the monster Galactus."

"You don't say," the woman asked. "Well, what's your name?"

"I can't tell you my secret identity," Exx Man said. "If I did that, the supervillain who hounds me, the Skywalker, could learn it, and then I would really be in trouble. He might slash my credit rating or sell it to the newspapers, and all my arch-enemies would know about it, not to mention the general public, which is so afraid of superheroes these days. They might try to lynch me."

"Really." The woman nodded, her heart beating faster as she devised a plan to provide some amusement for the city. "Well, it just so happens that Skywalker, that supervillain, has taken over the coffee shop across the street. I thought I would call the Avengers, but since you're here, maybe you should fight him instead."

"A good plan," Exx Man agreed. "Since everyone knows that supervillains fight only with certain superheroes. Lex Luther, for example, will never bother Batman because his measure as a villain is drawn against Superman's measure as a hero."

The woman bit down on her lip to avoid laughing at the madness which had afflicted Exx Man, and watched as he took off across the street to drive Skywalker from Hammil's Coffee House.

Exx Man: Battle in the House
By Frank Puskas

Exx Man felt self-assured and confident as he strolled across the street to Hammil's Coffee House. The evil Skywalker was evidently stirring up trouble in the neighborhood and only Exx Man could eradicate the vermin.

As he cross the street, Exx Man yelled back to the fair maiden.

"Damsel, what is the name of the head villain who Skywalker has been using to terrorize the neighborhood? I must know, because as the superhero Exx Man, it is my duty to punish only the wicked, not the innocent. I do not wish to make any mistakes."

The red lips contorted into a provocative expression and called out to Exx Man.

"He's my pimp!! He bites like a dog!!"

Exx Man stealthily ran up to the window of the coffee house. He peered through the dirty glass and saw a man with orange glasses on and a dangling skull earring.

"Remember what the lady said," muttered Exx Man to himself. "He fights with a log!"

Exx Man prepared for battle. He jumped through the window (he had to make a dramatic entrance) and cried loudly, "Who goes by the name of My Pimp?! Villain, I shall vanquish you and your evil boss, Skywalker!!"

Amazingly, Exx Man suffered no major injuries from the glass, outside of a small scratch on his elbow. The men in Hammil's Coffee House stared in astonishment.

Suddenly, the pimp bellowed, with breath that smelled of strong whiskey.

Exx Man: Yet Another Battle
By R. Scott Ingram

"It is I, the pimp of all creation. I have been a pimp since the beginning of creation. After all, it is the world's oldest profession."

Exx Man stared in disbelief. He was still shaken from the crash in the window. "You look like you are looking for some action," asked the pimp, belching in the face of the mighty Exx Man.

"I am always looking for action," responded Exx Man in true superhero form. He pulled out his light saber to use on the Pimp. However, the log of the pimp proved to be too much for Exx Man's lights saber (err twig) With one swipe of his lightsaber (or log), the pimp removed the twig from Exx Man's hand.

"No!!!!!!!!!" screamed the Exx Man. "This can not be." He began to cry. A light came from above and shown down on the Exx Man. It was so bright that it blinded him and caused him to close his eyes, just for a second. That second, in reality was two hours.

When Exx Man awoke, a dimmer light shown on him. It was an interrogation light. Standing around him were three men. One was the pimp, one was Mr. Hammil (the long lost coffee shop owner) and the third was an unfamiliar character.

"Where am I?" queried the awesome Exx Man.

The pimp answered, "You are back home Lord Helmet. Where you belong."

"How did you know that was my real name?"

"We searched your wallet. In the two hours you have been asleep, we have charged 2000 dollars to your account. You credit rating will soon be zero and your life will be ruined...

Exx Man: The Struggle Continues
By Dave Learn

So Exx Man found himself trapped in his own home by the nefarious My Pimp, Mister Hammil, and an unidentified but presumably likewise unscrupulous character. As if that wasn't bad enough, his credit rating was as bad as the mandatory flex-dollar program (nudge nudge).

"There's no point in trying to capture me," Exx Man pointed out to his captors. "Everybody knows that superheroes always win. We're just plain invincible." To emphasize his point, he stretched his arms and succeeded in remaining safely within his straitjacket.

"Well, don't worry yourself too much Mister Helmet," Mister Hammil said consolingly. "The medics from NIMH will be along shortly to take you back to your nice, comfortable room, before you break another $2000 plate glass window in my coffee house."

His room? Exx Man knitted his brow in deep concentration while he considered what had just been said. That was right. He didn't have a house -- he had a luxurious five foot room with nice white cushions conveniently located on the floor and walls. Come to think of it, his last name wasn't Helmet, either, and he didn't even have a wallet in his costume. They were trying to trick him!

Furious at their attempted deception, Exx Man shook with might and main so that his chair began to rock back and forth. When this failed to intimidate them, Exx Man determined that it was time to resort to violence (the last refuge of the incompetent, as Asimov has said). Without giving quarter, Exx Man savagely attacked Hammil's fingers with his eyes repeatedly, and brutally beat My Pimp's brass-knuckled fist with his stomach. Still his enemies held out.

At last, as Exx Man was about to concede defeat for the first time, help came from an unexpected source. Bursting through the wall via an open door came a familiar figure with a long black cape, ski mask, and red pajamas.

"Dragon Poker!" everyone shouted in unison, startled by his sudden arrival.

"Skywalker, you're a buttwipe," was all Dragon Poker said in response. Skywalker, whose true identity had been concealed from Exx Man until now, glowered fiercely at the intruder, and the two prepared for combat.

Exx Man: Exx Man Disappears
By R. Scott Ingram

It was to be Dragon Poker against the evil Skywalker. It was the battle to end all battles (or the mother of all battles). Exx Man remained in his chair and strait jacket. How he wished to be in his nice safe room back at the "superhero" institution.

As Exx Man was pondering his room, the two evil beings were fighting it out. The term beings was quite appropriate considering the fact that neither was entirely human. Of course this was the Exx Man's perspective.

Paper was being thrown everywhere. The battle raged on. Cocktail napkins were being launched from the portable launchers that Skywalker had recruited from Hammil's Coffee Shop. Dragon Poker was not without his forces. He had brought the recruits from his world (whatever that was). They had even more powerful weapons. The warriors from wherever had launchers also, but these launched the turkey links from the Farinon Center. The blows continued to be felt on both sides. The napkins were doing their share of damage but the turkey links had the obvious advantage. The whole scene resembled Kirby after 6:30!!!!

In the middle of the whole battle, Exx Man disappeared. No one knew where he went?

Exx Ma: A Startling Revelation
By David McCandless

No one knew where Exx Man had gone. No one at all. Not even Exx Man knew, although he really wished he did.

In fact, no one even knew where the nice storyline that so often had struggled to the surface but had been shoved back into the murky depths of the writers' minds had gone. All in all, nothing was conclusive.

Until Exx Man reappeared, that was.

And, boy, would it be a doozy....

Coughing, Exx Man snapped back into reality. "ARRGG!! Get him, Luke! Get him!" It took him a few minutes to realize that he and the previous fight were no longer in the same place. It took him a few additional minutes to admit (rather abashedly) that he was also rooting for the wrong guy.

Dragon Poker was his friend now. Oh well. He had made a crummy nemesis anyway. Exx Man could pick his enemies much better than that.

Thank goodness no one had been around to see his raving. There had been too much of that the last few days anyway.

Suddenly Exx Man realized that, despite normal superhero conventions stating that crime fighters never had to remove wastes from their bodies at ANY time of the day whatsoever, he had to pee.

Very badly, in fact.

Of all the stinking luck. He wasn't even wearing Depend under- garments, like his mentors had advised.

"Ya never know when you'll haveta go," he remembered mighty Sludgebolt telling him. "Why, I remember once when SnarfMan was beating up some Boogles and jaywalking all at once, and I had to go after him, despite the wild party thrown for me the night before by the Local Moose Club. He had just started slinging mud in my direction, and woodinjaknowit, I felt the urge! Right Then! It was horrible! Luckily, I had my old Dependables on, so the world was saved." He had grimaced. "But it had still been a close one."

Exx Man didn't have his Depends on, but thank goodness there was a bathroom nearby.

He didn't know how quickly his life would be turned about and shattered by the revelation soon to occur.

Turning to go into the men's room, he was stopped by the attendant. "Sorry, this is the Men's room."

"Well, yeah," said Exx Man, rather confused.

"Yeah what? The Lady's room is over there, babe. Now scram, I'm busy." And the old coot when back to swabbing the floor.

Scratching his head, Exx Man turned and retreated to the other room. He entered, expecting shrieks of horror and mace shots in the face like that other time back in New York when SnowBunny had taken refuge in a gas station bathroom.

This time, no one paid attention. Women scurried about, talking about men, about makeup, about men, about more men, about men doing anything, and whether their hair was too frizzy or not. And strangely enough, Exx Man felt right at home.

It was true. The Title out on the Posting board was not JUST a typo, not JUST a mistake. It was time to come out the closet.

Exx Man was, in reality, Exx Ma, super-heroine extraordinaire.

Look out, guys, cause here she comes...

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